Most of the time my
thoughts are aimless, but they often lead back to connecting the dots of
my future. Do you fear the unknown as I do? It slithers and coils
around your mind leaving you helpless to wandering ideas. Countless
scenarios replay over and over until you can no longer tolerate
consciousness. Certain unnamed variables make me unsettled and restless.
I cannot relax until everything is laid out before me like a medieval
feast.
I want to crawl back into your sanctuary. Slip back into blind trust and forget the outside world exists. As comfortable as you may seem, the very thought of you makes me want to mark my territory like a wolf. Never in my life have I feared so much based on so little. As impermeable as I make myself out to be truthfully I am weak and human. I have illogical desires, simple thoughts, and animalistic needs. I wish I was more like you because things would be easier to process.
I want it more than you do. I want many things more than you do, and that’s disheartening and dampers my spirit. These meager portions you provide cannot satisfy my ravenous appetite. All I require is stability, and in times of famine the desire will never vanish. All I can do is hope things move in the direction I want them to. It's too bad hope is often the last card a fool has to play.
______________________________________________________________
April always creeps up on me each year and leaves pieces of me scattered amongst the weeds. It is beautiful yet merciless when it has to be. This April did not differ from the ones of previous years. I cannot piece you back together so I will use words to sew the holes shut.
You are not here and I am left with the horrors that plague my mind when I close my eyes. The regret I feel for not being a better person when you were around. The anger I feel when I realize I’m left with people in my family to whom I cannot relate, and yet the one person who understood me is no longer here. I try to remember the good but as I get older it becomes harder to remember. I’m just stuck with the heroin overdoses and blood. Now your brother is walking your path and we know where this path ends. Drugs and firearms will be the end of what’s left of our family.
It seems each year my network of close friends and family gets smaller. I live with the reality that assholes are immortal and babies die. People are tortured for taking different paths and left without tongues. Their bodies are dragged on foreign ground and all recognizable features dissipate. For this I integrate my walls with steel and barricade the doors from all of you.
I want to crawl back into your sanctuary. Slip back into blind trust and forget the outside world exists. As comfortable as you may seem, the very thought of you makes me want to mark my territory like a wolf. Never in my life have I feared so much based on so little. As impermeable as I make myself out to be truthfully I am weak and human. I have illogical desires, simple thoughts, and animalistic needs. I wish I was more like you because things would be easier to process.
I want it more than you do. I want many things more than you do, and that’s disheartening and dampers my spirit. These meager portions you provide cannot satisfy my ravenous appetite. All I require is stability, and in times of famine the desire will never vanish. All I can do is hope things move in the direction I want them to. It's too bad hope is often the last card a fool has to play.
______________________________________________________________
April always creeps up on me each year and leaves pieces of me scattered amongst the weeds. It is beautiful yet merciless when it has to be. This April did not differ from the ones of previous years. I cannot piece you back together so I will use words to sew the holes shut.
You are not here and I am left with the horrors that plague my mind when I close my eyes. The regret I feel for not being a better person when you were around. The anger I feel when I realize I’m left with people in my family to whom I cannot relate, and yet the one person who understood me is no longer here. I try to remember the good but as I get older it becomes harder to remember. I’m just stuck with the heroin overdoses and blood. Now your brother is walking your path and we know where this path ends. Drugs and firearms will be the end of what’s left of our family.
It seems each year my network of close friends and family gets smaller. I live with the reality that assholes are immortal and babies die. People are tortured for taking different paths and left without tongues. Their bodies are dragged on foreign ground and all recognizable features dissipate. For this I integrate my walls with steel and barricade the doors from all of you.
