Interesting.

Interesting is the word to describe the events of today. Most of it was standard activity, but half way through the day I suddenly couldn't see. First I could focus on one object but when I moved my eyes everything went blurry. It progressed enough to where I had very little peripheral vision, and none in some spots. I then got this terrible headache and my right hand started to tingle. I thought about going to the ER because sudden vision loss is usually super serious, but I was home alone with Tara so I said screw it. Right now my vision is somewhat better. Better being that my direct vision is okay and I can read but my peripheral sucks.

I have perfect vision. There has only been one other time in my life where I had something sudden like this happen to my vision. I went blind in my right eye for about 30 minutes a few years ago. What happened today was almost stroke like, and considering I have/had two blot clots in my right calf I'm worry that something has happened. I started my intense exercise program today so I wonder if all that movement moved a clot?

The hematologist should've just given me fucking blood thinners. I'm extremely pissed off now. If my vision is screwed forever because they didn't want to give me a blood thinner because I'm only 24 I'm going to implode. Of course some of it is my fault because I haven't gotten around to getting my PAI-1, Protein S, and Homocysteine levels checked out again. Tomorrow will be the day! Along with another 45 minute MRI I bet.

Since this entry was all doom and gloom I have a gift: Loaf. In. Hat.

Good news.

I went to the Hematologist today(who is also an Oncologist unfortunately) and I found out that I don't have to take a blood thinner for now. I do, however, have to take Folbic(2.5g of Folic Acid and Vitamin B12 &6) for the rest of my life. I'm okay with that. But if I get one more blood clot..it's blood thinners for life I believe. I've already had two behind my knee and one TIA, so I can understand that. I don't like just waiting for it to happen though. It's just a matter of time before I have another one. I'm just going to get older.

Loaf keeps getting bigger and bigger. Somedays I wish she would just stay small so we can cuddle forever.

I got a callback on a job in Hartford, CT. I really don't want to move there, but they keep calling me. I might as well see how much they pay. $40/hr and I'm there I think.

Getting smaller.

These are the days in which it is hard to remain a nonsmoker. Tara had two shots, developed a fever, did nothing but scream all day, and I had a mental breakdown at the local UDF. Wasps kept coming in the car and I was trapped. I was torn between running for my life and protecting my baby. I FUCKING HATE FLYING INSECTS! Screw PETA. Species which I believe should go extinct: Bees, Wasps, Hornets, Yellowjackets, Any sort of flying insect with a stinger, Geese make me want to bomb Canada, The Surinam toad! YOU EXIST TO HAUNT ME, TOAD!



Life is squeezing the lifeforce out of me and is making want to punch strangers in the face. I want to ruin someones' day before they ruin mine. So easily stability is lost! The undying truth is that I'm a lot of things and none of them are good. I'm lonely. My creative outlet is plugged. I'm weak and out of touch with myself. I want to peel off my skin to regain some sense of normality. Most of what I'm saying feels like bipolar vomit.

Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong, and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain.

Disappointing.

I hate it when you realize the majority of your friendships are unrequited. I bet that some of it was my fault when I worked third shift, and I know it's not helping to have an infant, but some things aren't all my fault. To not be invited to large gatherings makes me feel rejected. Especially when I go out of my way to include everyone.

I'm going to stop trying to be your friend now. The sad thing is that I bet you won't even realize this entry is about you.