I went to the Hematologist today(who is also an Oncologist unfortunately) and I found out that I don't have to take a blood thinner for now. I do, however, have to take Folbic(2.5g of Folic Acid and Vitamin B12 &6) for the rest of my life. I'm okay with that. But if I get one more blood clot..it's blood thinners for life I believe. I've already had two behind my knee and one TIA, so I can understand that. I don't like just waiting for it to happen though. It's just a matter of time before I have another one. I'm just going to get older.
Loaf keeps getting bigger and bigger. Somedays I wish she would just stay small so we can cuddle forever.
I got a callback on a job in Hartford, CT. I really don't want to move there, but they keep calling me. I might as well see how much they pay. $40/hr and I'm there I think.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Getting smaller.
These are the days in which it is hard to remain a nonsmoker. Tara had two shots, developed a fever, did nothing but scream all day, and I had a mental breakdown at the local UDF. Wasps kept coming in the car and I was trapped. I was torn between running for my life and protecting my baby. I FUCKING HATE FLYING INSECTS! Screw PETA. Species which I believe should go extinct: Bees, Wasps, Hornets, Yellowjackets, Any sort of flying insect with a stinger, Geese make me want to bomb Canada, The Surinam toad! YOU EXIST TO HAUNT ME, TOAD!
Life is squeezing the lifeforce out of me and is making want to punch strangers in the face. I want to ruin someones' day before they ruin mine. So easily stability is lost! The undying truth is that I'm a lot of things and none of them are good. I'm lonely. My creative outlet is plugged. I'm weak and out of touch with myself. I want to peel off my skin to regain some sense of normality. Most of what I'm saying feels like bipolar vomit.
Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong, and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain.
Life is squeezing the lifeforce out of me and is making want to punch strangers in the face. I want to ruin someones' day before they ruin mine. So easily stability is lost! The undying truth is that I'm a lot of things and none of them are good. I'm lonely. My creative outlet is plugged. I'm weak and out of touch with myself. I want to peel off my skin to regain some sense of normality. Most of what I'm saying feels like bipolar vomit.
Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong, and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Disappointing.
I hate it when you realize the majority of your friendships are unrequited. I bet that some of it was my fault when I worked third shift, and I know it's not helping to have an infant, but some things aren't all my fault. To not be invited to large gatherings makes me feel rejected. Especially when I go out of my way to include everyone.
I'm going to stop trying to be your friend now. The sad thing is that I bet you won't even realize this entry is about you.
I'm going to stop trying to be your friend now. The sad thing is that I bet you won't even realize this entry is about you.
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