Black arrows Part Two.

#8: There's something enchanting about her beauty. She keeps a safe distance from the new age monsters of your world. They were created to destroy. They grab and want what they can't have. These monsters break supple necks and devour young hearts. All she wants is to be safe from all the bloodshed. She wasn't made for your world.

#9: You've dug yourself into quite the hole, my dear. Stop wanting and waiting for someone to throw you a rope. Let's get down to the lean meat. Waste down to the bones. Learn to feel hunger and desire. Deny yourself of anything that keeps you breathing. Maybe after there's nothing left you can start again.

#10: Hey honey your breasts look nice in that tight shirt! What do you mean piss off? Your loss, sweetheart. Good luck finding anyone better than me in this shithole.

#11: The pressure in your veins builds steadily up into your brain. 948 millibars of pure fury circling around your frontal lobe. The perfect storm indeed. You're sleeping in bed with your lover's arm around your waste. You think you're screaming in your head but your mouth doesn't open. Without much notice or sound your life ends as quickly as it started.

#12: Trust is a two way street and I live on a cul-de-sac. I want nothing to do with your serpent tongue and body of lies. You keep handing me this basket of shit but I keep throwing it back to you. One day you'll realize that your heart is deflated. Meaningless quests to find something that never existed in the first place. One day soon someone is going to punch you in the face. A thousand pounds of pressure right through your delicate ego.

#13: Sometimes I write within four walls, two walls. No walls. I write in sunlight and darkness. Red ink and black. I would write anything just to make your pain subside. Nothing I have ever said has made a difference in anyone's life. It means nothing if it doesn't mean anything to you. Whoa man, that's deep.

#14: When I close my eyes at night I can still see the inside of his skull.

#15: Alone at last! You would never hurt me, would you? Your surface is so beautiful and pale. It's a bit rocky and big, but I'm sure we can make it work. Why do you only come out at night? I wish I could caress you but you're just out of reach. You're just a little too old for me but age is just a number right? Oh it's getting late. Same time and place tomorrow night?

#16: A million different faces and yet you're all the same person. You're all liars. Having morals these days is like trying to light a cigarette in a hurricane. You lie to get out of trouble and to feel better about yourself. Find a human who says they do not lie and I'll show you a coward. You're lying to yourself.

#17: Some days I want to get away. I want to disappear to where no one knows my name and I am lost. Where it doesn't hurt to take a breath. As I dream about this faraway place I begin to think that maybe you're there waiting for me. The sand is hot on my feet as I walk out to touch the shore. Tiny sweat beads drip into my eyes and I have to squint to get a better look. I can see a smile but you have no face. Your eyes seem kind and forgiving. You have known of my pain and are apathetic to the aftermath. I have no fear now. One day I will get there, and when I do I hope you'll still be waiting.

#18: Please breathe life back into my desolate heart. Pump it full of blood so I can know what it is to be alive. Take this knife and stab it into my stomach. Good or bad I just want to feel again. Something, anything. Please.

Black arrows.

Note: Before you read please note that I often write for both therapy and pleasure. Non fiction or fiction it doesn't matter.


#1: He's standing in the produce section when he comes across a wide array of peaches. He eyes the most juicy fruits and starts to pick out a few. "Ugh," he says, "This one has bruises!," and tosses it back with the others. Even though it tastes the same it gets looked over. Only a damaged fruit can appreciate another damaged fruit.

#2: My life is one of instant gratification. I move fast, talk fast, eat fast, and act fast. If the background isn't a blur I might as well not be moving at all.

#3: Fear can be a fire that consumes all it touches; but panic is like a landmine that keeps going off in your head.

#4: No one looks forward to losing people they love, but sudden death brings a new meaning to the word agony. It gets easier but it never goes away. All the regrets you have and the words you never said all surface. There's no conclusion. You're stuck in emotional limbo for the rest of your life.

#5: I've watched as one event and one man destroyed my family. Even after it passed it wasn't really over. It never will be. We will never see the world the same way again. The swift hand of revenge will not touch him. The rage I have incinerates all the way to the marrow.

#6: Is there someone out there who won't run away if they really got to know you? The funeral dress you never got to wear. The blood stains on the floor. The scar tissue. You can't hide everything forever. They will find out. When they do they will run away screaming as if their hair was on fire.

#7: I have a gift for you and it's handmade with the utmost care. The nails and screws bring a twinkle to my eyes. If you come through that door again I will show it to you. I've been waiting for days. No more running. No more. I will festoon my bed chamber with your entrails.

Autumn.

I love the smell of autumn. I look forward to it every year, and it never disappoints me. It renews my spirit and gives me focus to brace for the cold winter. Let's just hope this winter is mild.

Maybe I really am cold and heartless. After all that's gone on lately I've accepted my destiny with open hands. A while ago I looked at my situation objectively and realized there isn't a point in wallowing in despair because it won't change anything. In the end it doesn't matter how much shit life throws at you because you still have to swallow it eventually.

Like all scar tissue, this has made me stronger. It's like the veil was lifted and I could see how disgusting my life was. I am deeply inspired and motivated.

Recluse.

Some of the best people are known to be recluses. Emily Dickinson. Trent Reznor. The brown recluse(not a person, but still badass).

"The alien man waved his arms up and down and noticed that he couldn't wave in the right language so he stopped." Well I'm tired of waving to you. The truth is most of you are epic pieces of shit. And if you think this is about you then it probably is. I don't want to be your damn friend because you soil the word. I'm burnt out on people and their lies and bullshit.

You know the feeling of falling? The feeling you get when you miss a step and it feels like your heart is in your throat? I feel like that all the time. My entire life is one big panic attack and it never gets any easier. It never goes away.



“Oft expectation fails, and most oft where most it promises; and oft it hits where hope is coldest; and despair most sits.”

Sometimes in April.

I fill the void to occupy my loneliness and boredom. I have very little to say anymore.

Finally.

Tara is crawling so fast now, and I swear she just started about a week ago. And she's not happy unless she's getting into something or flying across the room to pick up a leaf/dust/string. She says, "Baba," and, "Dada," now.

I started applying to photography jobs, and there aren't many positions out there. Fortunately some are what I'm looking for. I've worked in such strange fields that there aren't many decent jobs out there. Sleep Tech? No. SEO website coder? No. I'm just going to stick to what I'm good at. Matt has had better luck finding things, and he is supposed to take his pharmacy certification test sometime this week.

In a perfect world people would start paying me for photoshoots so I can do what I love and not have to worry about money.

Interesting.

Interesting is the word to describe the events of today. Most of it was standard activity, but half way through the day I suddenly couldn't see. First I could focus on one object but when I moved my eyes everything went blurry. It progressed enough to where I had very little peripheral vision, and none in some spots. I then got this terrible headache and my right hand started to tingle. I thought about going to the ER because sudden vision loss is usually super serious, but I was home alone with Tara so I said screw it. Right now my vision is somewhat better. Better being that my direct vision is okay and I can read but my peripheral sucks.

I have perfect vision. There has only been one other time in my life where I had something sudden like this happen to my vision. I went blind in my right eye for about 30 minutes a few years ago. What happened today was almost stroke like, and considering I have/had two blot clots in my right calf I'm worry that something has happened. I started my intense exercise program today so I wonder if all that movement moved a clot?

The hematologist should've just given me fucking blood thinners. I'm extremely pissed off now. If my vision is screwed forever because they didn't want to give me a blood thinner because I'm only 24 I'm going to implode. Of course some of it is my fault because I haven't gotten around to getting my PAI-1, Protein S, and Homocysteine levels checked out again. Tomorrow will be the day! Along with another 45 minute MRI I bet.

Since this entry was all doom and gloom I have a gift: Loaf. In. Hat.

Good news.

I went to the Hematologist today(who is also an Oncologist unfortunately) and I found out that I don't have to take a blood thinner for now. I do, however, have to take Folbic(2.5g of Folic Acid and Vitamin B12 &6) for the rest of my life. I'm okay with that. But if I get one more blood clot..it's blood thinners for life I believe. I've already had two behind my knee and one TIA, so I can understand that. I don't like just waiting for it to happen though. It's just a matter of time before I have another one. I'm just going to get older.

Loaf keeps getting bigger and bigger. Somedays I wish she would just stay small so we can cuddle forever.

I got a callback on a job in Hartford, CT. I really don't want to move there, but they keep calling me. I might as well see how much they pay. $40/hr and I'm there I think.

Getting smaller.

These are the days in which it is hard to remain a nonsmoker. Tara had two shots, developed a fever, did nothing but scream all day, and I had a mental breakdown at the local UDF. Wasps kept coming in the car and I was trapped. I was torn between running for my life and protecting my baby. I FUCKING HATE FLYING INSECTS! Screw PETA. Species which I believe should go extinct: Bees, Wasps, Hornets, Yellowjackets, Any sort of flying insect with a stinger, Geese make me want to bomb Canada, The Surinam toad! YOU EXIST TO HAUNT ME, TOAD!



Life is squeezing the lifeforce out of me and is making want to punch strangers in the face. I want to ruin someones' day before they ruin mine. So easily stability is lost! The undying truth is that I'm a lot of things and none of them are good. I'm lonely. My creative outlet is plugged. I'm weak and out of touch with myself. I want to peel off my skin to regain some sense of normality. Most of what I'm saying feels like bipolar vomit.

Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong, and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain.

Disappointing.

I hate it when you realize the majority of your friendships are unrequited. I bet that some of it was my fault when I worked third shift, and I know it's not helping to have an infant, but some things aren't all my fault. To not be invited to large gatherings makes me feel rejected. Especially when I go out of my way to include everyone.

I'm going to stop trying to be your friend now. The sad thing is that I bet you won't even realize this entry is about you.