In My Sky at Twilight/Body of a Woman

In my sky at twilight you are a cloud
and your form and colour are the way I love them.
You are mine, mine, woman with sweet lips
and in your life my infinite dreams live.

The lamp of my soul dyes your feet.
My sour wine is sweeter on your lips,
oh reaper of my evening song,
how solitary dreams believe you to be mine!

You are mine, mine, I go shouting it to the afternoon's
wind, and the wind hauls on my widowed voice.
Huntress of the depths of my eyes, your plunder
stills your nocturnal regard as though it were water.

You are taken in the net of my music, my love,
and my nets of music are wide as the sky.
My soul is born on the shore of your eyes of mourning.
In your eyes of mourning the land of dreams begins.

______________________________________________


Body of a woman, white hills, white thighs,
you look like a world, lying in surrender.
My rough peasant’s body digs in you
and makes the son leap from the depths of the earth.

I only was a tunnel.  The birds fled from me,
and night swamped me with its crushing invasion.
To survive myself I forged you like a weapon,
like an arrow in my bow, a stone in my sling.

But the hour of vengeance falls, and I love you.
Body of skin, of moss, of eager and firm milk.
Oh the goblets of the breast!  Oh the eyes of absence!
Oh the roses of the pubis!  Oh your voice, slow and sad!

Body of my woman, I will persist in your grace.
My thirst, my boundless desire, my shifting road.
Dark river-beds where the eternal thirst flows
and weariness follows, and the infinite ache.

-Pablo Neruda

My friend the double-edged sword.

Extend your hand and let me drop a nugget of wisdom into your cup. If someone offends you there is nothing you can do to change that. You cannot change a person; if you believe you can you are naive and are doing yourself a disservice. After we reach a certain point in our lives we become impermeable to change. We are impossible to move. We are all stone fortresses that you may reach only if we allow you to cross over.

Your complete and utter ignorance disgusts me. Your stupidity makes the bile rise and bubble over. My intelligence is insulted when you open your mouth. For this I will speak slowly and treat you as if you have severe brain damage. No offense, right? Your eyes are glazed over so I’m assuming I’ve made no foul. I will hold your hand and treat you as a pet regardless. You will be one very simple companion to lead along the long path ahead.

The long nights and years spent wasted on someone incapable of change was all consuming. As if it was a personal project and goal of mine to warp an already formed body into what I wanted. Now it is just a notch on my belt of wisdom. Wasted time and energy I could have put into something else. Not you, no. You have found me and I will be your lucky charm. I will tell you how the world works. I will pull the veil away so you can see its true form.

Look deep into my eyes and never forget what I say. Run. Break away and run as if your hair was on fire. The longer you stay the faster the lines will start to blur. You will begin to believe the lies and the problems will seem muted. Wonderfully constructed fabrications they will be. Yes, but I am authentic! My tongue is coated in silver and is sharp as a tack. You have no choice but to believe me.

This monster will make your blood scream. It will keep taking from you, and never give anything back. You will be left with an empty cavern that could once be called a body. The vultures will not circle and no one will recognize you. I will not be there waiting to pick up your carcass.

MAIM Yourself

I want to grasp that impossible dream. I want to hold it and protect it like you would intricate blown glass. To find that person who doesn't make you feel strange. Where you can reach a happy medium, and where you don't have to sugar coat the truth. I'm tired of creating lies and painting over the bad for acceptance. I'm sick of never being the one who you would risk everything for. I don't want to be a stepping stone to something better.

 I have severe writers block so I"ll leave some Rollins to fill the void. Inc. tl;dr >:(

There is no need to speak. We will communicate by touch and instinctual expression. We don't need words. We're well past all that now. It is our destiny to be born beautiful into an ugly age. We breathe life in the face of Death's high command. It is your animal grace that keeps me alive. It is your feral eyes and taut skin that brings my veins to the surface. You are beautiful like demolition. Just the thought of you draws my knuckles white. I don't need a god. I have you and your beautiful mouth, your hands holding onto me, the nails leaving unfelt wounds, your hot breath on my neck. The taste of your saliva. The darkness is ours. The nights belong to us. Everything we do is secret. Nothing we do will ever be understood; we will be feared and kept well away from. It will be the stuff of legend, endless discussion and limitless inspiration for the brave of heart. It's you and me in this room, on this floor. Beyond life, beyond morality. We are gleaming animals painted in moonlit sweat glow. Our eyes turn to jewels and everything we do is an example of spontaneous perfection. I have been waiting all my life to be with you. My heart slams against my ribs when I think of the slaughtered nights I spent all over the world waiting to feel your touch. The time I annihilated while I waited like a man doing a life sentence. Now you're here and everything we touch explodes, bursts into bloom or burns to ash. History atomizes and negates itself with our every shared breath. I need you like life needs life. I want you bad like a natrual disaster. You are all I see. You are the only one I want to know.

Black arrows Part Two.

#8: There's something enchanting about her beauty. She keeps a safe distance from the new age monsters of your world. They were created to destroy. They grab and want what they can't have. These monsters break supple necks and devour young hearts. All she wants is to be safe from all the bloodshed. She wasn't made for your world.

#9: You've dug yourself into quite the hole, my dear. Stop wanting and waiting for someone to throw you a rope. Let's get down to the lean meat. Waste down to the bones. Learn to feel hunger and desire. Deny yourself of anything that keeps you breathing. Maybe after there's nothing left you can start again.

#10: Hey honey your breasts look nice in that tight shirt! What do you mean piss off? Your loss, sweetheart. Good luck finding anyone better than me in this shithole.

#11: The pressure in your veins builds steadily up into your brain. 948 millibars of pure fury circling around your frontal lobe. The perfect storm indeed. You're sleeping in bed with your lover's arm around your waste. You think you're screaming in your head but your mouth doesn't open. Without much notice or sound your life ends as quickly as it started.

#12: Trust is a two way street and I live on a cul-de-sac. I want nothing to do with your serpent tongue and body of lies. You keep handing me this basket of shit but I keep throwing it back to you. One day you'll realize that your heart is deflated. Meaningless quests to find something that never existed in the first place. One day soon someone is going to punch you in the face. A thousand pounds of pressure right through your delicate ego.

#13: Sometimes I write within four walls, two walls. No walls. I write in sunlight and darkness. Red ink and black. I would write anything just to make your pain subside. Nothing I have ever said has made a difference in anyone's life. It means nothing if it doesn't mean anything to you. Whoa man, that's deep.

#14: When I close my eyes at night I can still see the inside of his skull.

#15: Alone at last! You would never hurt me, would you? Your surface is so beautiful and pale. It's a bit rocky and big, but I'm sure we can make it work. Why do you only come out at night? I wish I could caress you but you're just out of reach. You're just a little too old for me but age is just a number right? Oh it's getting late. Same time and place tomorrow night?

#16: A million different faces and yet you're all the same person. You're all liars. Having morals these days is like trying to light a cigarette in a hurricane. You lie to get out of trouble and to feel better about yourself. Find a human who says they do not lie and I'll show you a coward. You're lying to yourself.

#17: Some days I want to get away. I want to disappear to where no one knows my name and I am lost. Where it doesn't hurt to take a breath. As I dream about this faraway place I begin to think that maybe you're there waiting for me. The sand is hot on my feet as I walk out to touch the shore. Tiny sweat beads drip into my eyes and I have to squint to get a better look. I can see a smile but you have no face. Your eyes seem kind and forgiving. You have known of my pain and are apathetic to the aftermath. I have no fear now. One day I will get there, and when I do I hope you'll still be waiting.

#18: Please breathe life back into my desolate heart. Pump it full of blood so I can know what it is to be alive. Take this knife and stab it into my stomach. Good or bad I just want to feel again. Something, anything. Please.

Black arrows.

Note: Before you read please note that I often write for both therapy and pleasure. Non fiction or fiction it doesn't matter.


#1: He's standing in the produce section when he comes across a wide array of peaches. He eyes the most juicy fruits and starts to pick out a few. "Ugh," he says, "This one has bruises!," and tosses it back with the others. Even though it tastes the same it gets looked over. Only a damaged fruit can appreciate another damaged fruit.

#2: My life is one of instant gratification. I move fast, talk fast, eat fast, and act fast. If the background isn't a blur I might as well not be moving at all.

#3: Fear can be a fire that consumes all it touches; but panic is like a landmine that keeps going off in your head.

#4: No one looks forward to losing people they love, but sudden death brings a new meaning to the word agony. It gets easier but it never goes away. All the regrets you have and the words you never said all surface. There's no conclusion. You're stuck in emotional limbo for the rest of your life.

#5: I've watched as one event and one man destroyed my family. Even after it passed it wasn't really over. It never will be. We will never see the world the same way again. The swift hand of revenge will not touch him. The rage I have incinerates all the way to the marrow.

#6: Is there someone out there who won't run away if they really got to know you? The funeral dress you never got to wear. The blood stains on the floor. The scar tissue. You can't hide everything forever. They will find out. When they do they will run away screaming as if their hair was on fire.

#7: I have a gift for you and it's handmade with the utmost care. The nails and screws bring a twinkle to my eyes. If you come through that door again I will show it to you. I've been waiting for days. No more running. No more. I will festoon my bed chamber with your entrails.

Autumn.

I love the smell of autumn. I look forward to it every year, and it never disappoints me. It renews my spirit and gives me focus to brace for the cold winter. Let's just hope this winter is mild.

Maybe I really am cold and heartless. After all that's gone on lately I've accepted my destiny with open hands. A while ago I looked at my situation objectively and realized there isn't a point in wallowing in despair because it won't change anything. In the end it doesn't matter how much shit life throws at you because you still have to swallow it eventually.

Like all scar tissue, this has made me stronger. It's like the veil was lifted and I could see how disgusting my life was. I am deeply inspired and motivated.

Recluse.

Some of the best people are known to be recluses. Emily Dickinson. Trent Reznor. The brown recluse(not a person, but still badass).

"The alien man waved his arms up and down and noticed that he couldn't wave in the right language so he stopped." Well I'm tired of waving to you. The truth is most of you are epic pieces of shit. And if you think this is about you then it probably is. I don't want to be your damn friend because you soil the word. I'm burnt out on people and their lies and bullshit.

You know the feeling of falling? The feeling you get when you miss a step and it feels like your heart is in your throat? I feel like that all the time. My entire life is one big panic attack and it never gets any easier. It never goes away.



“Oft expectation fails, and most oft where most it promises; and oft it hits where hope is coldest; and despair most sits.”

Sometimes in April.

I fill the void to occupy my loneliness and boredom. I have very little to say anymore.

Finally.

Tara is crawling so fast now, and I swear she just started about a week ago. And she's not happy unless she's getting into something or flying across the room to pick up a leaf/dust/string. She says, "Baba," and, "Dada," now.

I started applying to photography jobs, and there aren't many positions out there. Fortunately some are what I'm looking for. I've worked in such strange fields that there aren't many decent jobs out there. Sleep Tech? No. SEO website coder? No. I'm just going to stick to what I'm good at. Matt has had better luck finding things, and he is supposed to take his pharmacy certification test sometime this week.

In a perfect world people would start paying me for photoshoots so I can do what I love and not have to worry about money.